Entry Five
This week’s newsletter is from the end of April. I realized recently that if I sent out a weekly entry from 90 Days of Belonging, you would all be receiving an email for the next two years, haha. As much as I love this project, that is a bit too long.
This week’s entry made me sad, while also admiring where I’ve been. I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit for the smiles we find after moments that felt like we might never get up. I also think we forget that we always have access to our power. Even in those frenetic times of uncertainty, it is still there. When I reread this entry, I was reminded that I have the ability to keep my eye on the prize even when I can’t prove how big the win will be.
April 29th, 2022:
I’ve been moving through this familiar feeling that was echoed in childhood around being a charity case. How does that term feel for you? A charity case. For me, my heart takes a plunge. I translate it as poor, pitied, and second-rate. On that note, do you ever have large emotions and think “wow, lighten up a bit! Aren’t you being a touch over the top?” For me, that’s my comedic, sarcastic side that helps me cope. However, for me and for you, I dare you to speak the words that strike a cord. The ones that cause you to get to know you, even if it sounds like a whining teenager.
I used to think that people always felt sorry for me and that is why I was included. It was why I got the invitation. The reason people let me stick around. They were doing me a favor, right? Because I didn’t actually deserve to be there. I was the acceptable Black person who could be in the room. Admittedly, I also didn't feel like I was adding anything substantial, even though I was.
The feeling is most vivid when I recall growing up in my all white school, especially because we in fact, could not afford to attend. I didn’t know right away, but it became glaringly obvious. We had to make up for it, pay what we could, and take support from the school to fully participate. The camping trips, tuition, activities, you name it. It was beyond our economic means, and even if I didn’t know all of the details, I still hear the faint whisper that says, I am being done a favor. I think that is why I was unassuming in most jobs. The employer was doing me a favor. Mistakes were not allowed. I was lucky to be there. But I’m not just lucky to be anywhere. I am worth being where I choose and I have the talents, skills, and natural right to take up space. I don’t have to indirectly apologize for it. This idea piggybacks off of what I was writing about yesterday - being in a deficit. Believing that because I got through the door, I had to show what I was made of, so they didn’t regret their choice of choosing me.
These experiences all tie back to my theme of feeling powerless. I started 90 Days of Belonging because I need to step into my power. I always played the sidekick, while supporting others who climbed the ladder of success. Idolizing their growth and sacrificing my own. Do you ever cheer people on? Fully support their next steps, while staying put behind a door you refuse to open? Fantasizing about something or someone saying “come in.”
This is such a disempowered place to exist in. I have had years of practice and growth, and it’s time for one of the biggest steps I have ever taken. I’m not meant to wait for anyone to say “go." I am not a charity case. I am not the token Black girl. Being a supportive role is not necessarily bad. I help people all the time. But I can have other roles, too.
I can’t play the sidekick for my own dreams.
I know throughout these months I have gone back and forth with feeling helpless and lost, and also finding hope. And right now the path is so clear. Not clear in the way that I know what opportunity will show up next, but it is clear that life is asking me to stop playing around. That even though I am turning 35 in three months, it does not mean that I am in less of a beautiful place to begin. I can begin Fundamental Hunger as I prepare to be a mother, a wife, a business woman, and whatever else I choose to be. The person who has limited me the most, is me. Yes I have walked through countless challenges, but I have also eagerly waited for someone to grant me a yes. The difference now is I understand more deeply that the “yes” I am currently seeking must come from me first. The beauty of this realization is knowing that I have the power to cast myself as the lead. And that is POWERFUL. It might feel like I don’t belong in this energy yet, but it’s never too late to learn some new lines.
If you are still opening and digesting my entries, thank you so much. I love receiving feedback, so if you have anything you’d like to share, please respond to this email. You can also share your own 90 Days of Belonging reflections at the number below.
Better Call Salwa: 347-903-7057
In the meantime, don’t belittle your value. Your inner child is listening.