Entry Twenty
It is almost 2023 and I am grateful for my dedication to share my voice, and for everyone who continues to open my email each week. As I cozy into winter, I continue to check in with the bricks I am laying in the form of my thoughts and actions. I am asking myself what I have control over, not what I WANT control over. I am thinking of the future of Fundamental Hunger while living in harmony with my present day. For large portions of this year I felt stranded in the in between, and longed to abandon the feeling of uncertainty. But as I read over today’s entry, I am reminded that we are always in transition, it’s just that we deem some of those periods as good and some as bad. But what if it’s okay to be a little bit messy? We can either continue to resist change, or give it a chance to show us something new.
The above photo is my mom. I'm not sure how old she was when it was taken, but I chose it for today's entry because sometimes I wonder about the transitions she has endured, too. Some of which I know, others I can only try and fathom. Either way it softens me. I am reminded that amongst the labels we take on, there aren't always words to capture our moments of intermission.
Can you can find home inside of your transition? Or are you still battling for control?
May 3rd, 2022:
There is so much power in knowing exactly what you want, but can I be brave enough to own it more fully? To stand behind what I know, and hold my posture. I can feel my heartbeat speeding up in this moment as I type this, and that is an indicator that this is a commitment I need to show up for, and a fear I am ready to walk through. I don’t need to treat my life like a hand me down. I don’t need to identify as an afterthought. This energy will never sustain the things that I am asking for. It also keeps me utilizing my talent, only to empower others. It suddenly all feels so simple and clear right now.
I want to belong to simplicity. The first step is getting clear on what I want and not lying to myself about it. This is why I began 90 Days of Belonging. I don’t want to hide from myself, while building a brand that will make an impact. What am I reserving all of this creativity and ideas for? There is no better time than now to begin running my own race. I am ready to identify how I want to work for myself, and that includes not giving myself crumbs in exchange for massive effort. That is the path I was on for most of my life. Overflowing for other people, and having just enough energy and resources left for me.
When I was accepted into the entrepreneurship incubator program in LA in the summer of 2018, I was working on what Better Call Salwa could be. For those who don’t know, for a short period of time, I was creating custom farmer’s market baskets for people. I love grocery shopping, and curating personalized joyful and nutritious experiences for people. It was so fun! This program was eye opening, and in the end I didn’t take this idea anywhere, but it is a reminder that I have always desired to create something. The essence of who I am was sewn into that idea.
During this program I realized that I didn’t want to scale this concept or turn it into a meal delivery service, which everyone was expecting it to become. I had zero interest in that. It was a clear no. I just enjoyed going to the farmers market! On the flip side, I can also see that I capped my potential. Sure, I didn’t want a huge meal delivery service, but I was also not open to seeing how big my idea could be. This also happened when I started Fundamental Hunger. I kept repeating, I am NOT doing this for money. I forcefully rejected it all together. And while this still holds true, it is so clear that I am limiting what my creation can turn into. Even if my ‘why’ isn’t about making money, I can be open to the possibility of the reach I could have one day. It is about not taking myself out of the race before it has even begun.
I think I was trying to protect my idea from money. In retrospect, denying that I didn’t want my creativity to generate financial security, would spare me the disappointment if my efforts could never make it happen. My protection was out of fear. Having Fundamental Hunger be as big as it wants to be would equate to too much responsibility that I may not be able to handle. How is this familiar? It’s the same feeling I used to carry with relationships. Terrified to commit because it meant I would be responsible for someone else’s livelihood, and I didn’t trust that I could maintain my own freedom. But what if I can manage the magnitude of my idea? What if I am actually meant to and I can do it in a way that feels correct for me? I want to be open to receiving success. I don’t need to be scared of it.
Growing up I do remember a pressure to help our family depart from the constant state of getting by. It wasn’t always outright, but it was in the air. I think it is an expectation in many immigrant households that the children will step up, even when they are still children. This responsibility has been a big theme in my life and it is crystal clear that I have been repelling success in order to avoid the burden of responsibility, and being unable to satisfy someone else. However, I don’t need to do that anymore. I can let my inner child run free and remind her that the onus is not on her, and she can let go of the anxiety of needing to fulfill someone else’s life. It’s safe to live for me and share my bounty without having guilt as the motive.
I’m grateful that I have identified this burden so I can begin to let her play in the sun. I don’t have to let this loom over my heart or belong to obligations that are not mine to manage. It already feels lighter. As I explore belonging to myself, it means certain things have to be discarded. But first, I must open my palm and let them go. The immediate urge is to clutch my fist onto something else, because the in between stage is raw. But we have to be able to leave our palms open, and breathe through the tension of what we may or may not receive.
I am walking toward a new horizon, but at times I don’t feel fully protected. But what if I don’t need to protect myself from anything? And what if you don’t need protection either? Maybe right now, what we need is a little bit more trust.