Entry One

Happy day one of 90 Days of Belonging! Also, my Leo birthday! Divine timing. 

Below you will read my first entry, which was originally written on February 17th, 2022. After this post, there will be journal prompts to inspire your adventure towards belonging. It is easy to begin something, and then find an excuse to withdraw. The person I was on February 17th, is not the person I was after those 90 days. How often do you abandon yourself, only to begin again? What if your why was stronger than your excuses?

February 17th, 2022:

B*tch, what do you know about being Black? A voice that checks me every time I get excited to make strides towards what Fundamental Hunger could be. It’s a familiar voice, but the volume has varied throughout my life. It was loud when I was young, but I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t know how to hold it. I wanted to not be in my skin, but I also wanted to believe that who I was, was okay. I grew up in an all white school after immigrating with my parents from Uganda. Going to an all white school is not a new story for many Black people in this country, and it is a prime example of how I begin to dismiss my experience. I quickly hear a voice that says, “boo hoo, so what?” Those quick comebacks have held me back from believing that I have something to say. They also stop me and probably you, from further investigation. If I continue to let old stories rule me without questioning the feelings and impact underneath, then not only am I withholding my voice from others, I am shielding it from myself.

When I was in community with the affluent white kids at my school, I used to desperately pray for God to just make me white. That I would just wake up and be a white kid with blonde hair. The image of little me praying for this impossibility makes me cringe, and then I feel immense sorrow. I feel sad that I wanted to wish away the richness of who I was and where I came from. Sad that I thought my life would be better if only I became a completely different person. 

Have you ever desperately desired to be someone or something else?

What I didn’t realize at that age was that I yearned for sisterhood. I longed to celebrate the magic and talent that Black people always had. Instead, I was stared at by all the white kids during the short lived moments in school where we learned about slavery. Instead I heard the history of Black people from the lens of white adults who could never feel the magnitude of what I was learning. Instead, I sat in a room of kids who had a token Black friend, but didn’t know what it meant to be in community with Black people.  

As I write this, the thoughts that come in again are, “and so what?” My judgment sees this as a short pathetic story that isn’t that serious. But I have to actively remind myself that this experience was central to my inner child, and if she still feels lonely, then I can’t ignore it.

Journal prompts:

1. From your current vantage point, what does it mean to belong to yourself?

2. Who do you believe you are in this moment? Right here, right now. What do you think and feel about yourself? I believe it is critical to understand what we identify with and who we identify as, so we can actively observe when we change, or when we refuse to.

3. If you were in your fullest expression, what would that look like today? Do you have a fearful part of you that causes you to recoil and limit this expression? Describe this part of you, and your relationship with it.

You can expect my 90 Days of Belonging entries to reach your inbox every Thursday. In the meantime, don't be afraid to claim your inner Leo.