Entry Two

I launched my interview series for Fundamental Hunger last Leo season, and I love that 90 Days of Belonging is being shared under the same courage of my sun sign. Below is entry two that was originally written on February 18th, 2022. At the end of this entry, there is an invitation to connect with me and others a bit more intimately. I hope you participate!

February 18th, 2022:

After listening to Gabrielle Union on Code Switch today, I am mind blown that such a phenomenal Black woman once had to do what she needed in order to blend into the white school environment she experienced. I have admired Gabrielle Union since I was a kid, and I had no idea how similar we were. During this interview, she touched on the importance of what I missed in childhood: a community of Black people. Once you go to school your time is mostly spent outside of the home. My parents fled Uganda, but I also feel like they fled who they were. Their culture, their Blackness. I do not think it was intentional, or conscious, but my mom especially was determined to put me in the “best” schools. The motive was pure, but when we think of the best schools, we don’t typically ask, best for whom? In retrospect, that was not what was best for me. Additionally, in our home, there was little discussion of our culture because I think my parents were focused on starting over. My own language wasn’t even held sacred, and so I lost that too. 

Grieving something in retrospect is complex. Younger me would not be able to articulate what I am able to communicate now. But she felt something. Have you ever allowed yourself to grieve something after the fact? 

I do have memories of my mother reminding me of my strength and power, but then I attended a school from ages 4-13 that professed something different. Everything about me was a contrast. The way I looked, the money my family had, and the things I wanted were all measured against what the white kids around me felt entitled to. 

I have one vivid memory in middle school. I was on the basketball team. It only happened once. We played against an all Black team. My head was not in the game. My head was nowhere near this game. I was in complete awe that an all Black team was even possible. I was so used to being the only Black person, or counting on one hand how many were around me at any given time. Playing against this team made me hyper aware that I was the token Black girl on my team. I was on the wrong team! Why wasn’t I on their team? Would the Black team even want me to play with them? Was I good enough to be on their team? I realized at an early age that I perceived myself as having no credibility in the Black community. I was submerged in whiteness. For years I had no idea what I was even missing. 

Today I am hopeful. After listening to the power in Gabrielle Union’s voice, I know that my perception of being an outcast is not one I have to carry. I must allow it to morph into my own sense of belonging. I now have the courage to see myself in a different light. I can’t project my insecurity of not meeting the Black requirements onto others. Haven’t I done that enough in this life when it comes to whiteness? I grew up needing to be the “good kind of Black woman.” The one who is different, but not threatening. The one who is well spoken, but should know how to entertain you with Black stereotypes. The woman who meets some European white beauty standards, but should settle for being the sidekick instead of the lead. 

What if today the only gaze I cared about was my own?

If you are journeying through your own meaning of belonging, I invite you to share any form of insight, heartbreak, or breakthrough by leaving a message on my “hotline”. I believe it is imperative to not be timid of your own voice. Call the number below, and free yourself after the beep.

Better Call Salwa: 347-903-7057

In the meantime, don’t be afraid to feel.