Entry Nine
Feeling safe with my emotions is something I have had to learn. I think this is important for everyone to understand. To allow that to sink in. If this is something you have struggled with, it doesn’t magically change overnight. I have had to court my emotions. I have needed to let distressing feelings unfurl, and gradually release the automatic tendency to shut them down. This is a life long practice that I willingly and gladly accept. In today’s entry I discuss my relationship with anger. I believe this is an emotion that is labeled as “bad” or is only acceptable when it is expressed by specific people (spoiler, it isn’t Black people).
The problem with denying this emotion, or trying to express it in a specific way is that it hinders feeling other emotions, too. It also creates a hierarchy of which feeling is better than another. Guess what? No emotion is better than the other. And the less shame you associate with each one, the more faith you have in being yourself. I am a very sassy and fun person, and I am also a complete softy. The only difference now is that I have a relationship to the tender parts of myself that is led by love, rather than fear.
April 6th, 2022:
I’m re-examining how I belong to anger. When I was younger I definitely feared making my mom angry, and my father hardly showed his emotions. I vividly remember one time going to a fast food restaurant with my dad, and he ordered a burger with no bacon. Well, they put bacon on his burger, and because he doesn’t eat pork, he went off on the poor employee at the counter. It was definitely a mistake, but I was shocked because I rarely saw my dad express emotions. So when he did, I knew it was real. It meant that he had been holding onto too much. The permanent utterance of “I'm fine” was untrue.
I think we can all relate to this moment. Whether we have consistently betrayed our needs, censored our truth, or concealed an emotion, something eventually bursts at an unforeseen time. When was the last time something similar happened to you? How did you respond?
For most of my life, I lived inside of the above situations. I would be upset, but swallow my feelings. I wanted to be heard, but remained quiet. I felt joy, but couldn’t fully embrace it. At times, outrage consumed me, but I let it simmer internally. I don’t think I learned a healthy way to express a substantial emotion, especially anger. I don’t think many of us did. I saw anger as somewhat explosive, and a tool to have power over someone. Guilt was a powerful tool in my household. It was a manipulative way to get the love you wanted. A method to receive recognition and connection through pain rather than care. Unfortunately, this exchange can come at the expense of another person. Deliberately trying to make someone feel shame about what they did or didn't do in order to force them to change. A change that will result in you feeling safe and in control again.
I’ve had countless moments in my life where I was easily manipulated into apologizing, coerced into doing something I didn’t want to do, or trying to please someone else to be loved. I also have manipulated other people, but out of pure insecurity. I think it can be easy to blame the person who is overly assertive, and make excuses for our similar need to try and get someone to do or feel something in order for us to get what we want. For me, I would try to make other people like me, and contort myself in any way I needed in order to feel wanted. This was still manipulation, even if it came off meek. I did it from my own place of helplessness, fear, and deep insecurity.
From my current vantage point, I want to practice feeling my anger, and expressing it in ways that don't abide by other peoples standards. I want to allow myself to address the root of most of my anger, which comes from the painful regret of how I’ve let people treat me in the past. The residual judgment towards myself for not knowing better. That resentment keeps my ego daring for those same people to try me one more time so I can show them what I’m made of. There are times I still want to feel that victory of showing someone a piece of my mind. But I also see that that is the desire to have power over someone, rather than using my current opportunities to empower myself. The moment I hope to prove someone wrong, or get the final word may never come, and it keeps me desperately wanting revenge instead of creating the life I want. I have nothing left to prove. I have already shown that I am a different person by looking at where I am today. That is enough. I must remember that my value as a person was not taken in those moments. My current anger is simply reminding me that I once experienced pain, and that is okay. I can let that anger sing inside of me, and find compassion on the other side. I can let it lead me to deeper forgiveness for past choices, and a bright remembrance of how far I have come.
Journal prompts:
What is your relationship to anger?
If you were to be given a second chance, what situation would you relive and how would you choose to express yourself? Is this second chance rooted in having power over someone or something? If yes, how does that desire still play out for you today?
How do you define forgiveness? From this definition, is there anything you need to forgive yourself for?
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In the meantime, what emotion can you feel through today?