Entry Ten

Reflecting on today’s entry from 90 Days of Belonging was kind of hard. I discuss Tommy and I’s choice to start a family, and the closer it is to becoming a reality, the more fears I have needed to lean into. I have had to confront unfair judgements, and question absurd standards. I think the topic is delicate because some of the emotions I discuss still linger, but at a different magnitude. Honestly, I can be really hard on myself. The decision to start a family pokes at my demand to have certain things done now, and done right. I know it’s not true, but fear will latch onto what you let it. Thankfully, I do not suppress any feeling big or small, which is why today I feel more ease than control. I am still scared, but I hold it differently today. 

If you’re still reading this newsletter, thank you. I hope you find a glimpse of yourself in this morning’s message.

April 24th, 2022:

I find myself in a panic when I lament on the things I think I need to accomplish and experience before I become pregnant. It truly takes over my body. When I postpone the drama, I realize that I am preparing for motherhood with the belief that things will be taken from me. When I think about belonging as a mother, I immediately assume that I won’t have time to create what I want. Undoubtedly, becoming a parent will change my life forever. But why am I currently unable to also imagine it as a powerful new beginning? Do other people feel this way? The feeling is reminiscent of the pressure I put on other milestones, like entering my 30’s. I was hit with an avalanche of expectations that I wasn’t meeting, when I “should” have been excelling. I needed to have certain things checked off in order to feel powerful going into a new timeline. The pressure is devastating. 

The achievements I am currently referring to when it comes to my self imposed timeline of becoming a mother is that I should be more successful with my career. I need to be living in an impeccable home, in the right location. I need to have more money, and my next steps should be fully fleshed out. Why? Why do I need to cram all of these things into my life to prove to myself that I am ready for this next chapter? Am I trying to make up for what I think my inner child lacked growing up? These standards are not my own, but lately the thoughts are relentless. I hear them, and then I add to them. My heart shrinks and my eyes water because it feels like I am too late. But I do not belong to a timeline, and neither do you. I am the timeline. The lack of the things I want does not define where I am going. I don’t want to chase or prolong my life for the deception of a better day in the future.

There are plenty of people who have blossomed once they have become a parent. Does it get harder, yes, but it isn’t the end. So maybe it isn’t just that I am scared of not accomplishing certain things, I am tired of the thought of continuing to yearn for the same things in a new phase of life. Do you ever just want something to be done with? To get the thing so you can get rid of the anguish? Unfortunately, desperation is the exact thing that robs us of our today, and puts our future on a pedestal.

This transition also reminds me of when I began falling in love. My personal goals at the time didn’t change in essence, but they expanded. Because of this, I was nervous about attaining those goals in a new chapter that now involved someone else. Getting pregnant is triggering a similar fear. I will be striving for even more, but alongside children who will be relying on me. I am projecting my fear of responsibility on my future family. Perhaps I am losing trust in myself, which tempts me to try and control my circumstances as quickly as possible. In case you’re unsure, it isn’t going very well. 

If I belong to my present life, then I am planting hearty seeds. I don’t need to know when they will sprout or how, I just need to nurture them. Nurturing doesn’t happen when I am trying to rush decisions or micro manage a timeline. If time is truly on my side, then isn’t there plenty of life to live and create?

I’m really scared. But I am going to say yes anyway. I’m nervous and feel unprepared, but I know that I am supported. I can’t predict the future, but then again, I have never been able to. 

I’ve risen before, and I can do it again. 

How is your 90 Days of Belonging? Leave a voicemail here: 

Better Call Salwa: 347-903-7057

In the meantime, how can you be steady in your transition?