Entry Fifteen
Today’s entry discusses how boundaries have allowed me to come home to myself. Having boundaries has become mainstream, but please remember that how you discover what is and isn’t correct for you is yours to decide. I have had severe walls masked as boundaries, and built on fear. I've had boundaries to let my ego prove its point. Creating firm boundaries have been accompanied by guilt because they defied the belief that I have to be “nice.” Today, I do my best to handle my boundaries from a place of care, with room for them to change. I don’t believe I can belong to myself if I am following something too strict. I want to grant myself the space to change my mind, while also being honest when I find myself making excuses to play small.
Thank you for continuing to read about all of the ways I journey through belonging. I have faith that it is finding you at the right time.
April 16th, 2022:
Boundaries have been a trend for the past several days, and I am currently reflecting on how I lacked boundaries in my life. For so long, I didn’t recognize they were something I could have. Have you had those moments where you realize there are certain options you didn’t believe were possible for you? Then suddenly they seem so obvious? That is what boundaries were for me. They were like a city I had never heard of, in a country I didn’t know existed. When I think of not having boundaries, or believing that I didn’t deserve them, I think of being invisible. If you have been following my 90 Days of Belonging, you know that feeling invisible was a sad acceptance in my early years, and probably for many of you, too. Which leads me to ask, how can you feel like you belong when you think you’re invisible? You can’t. It feels like you can speak directly from your heart, but immediately fear how and where those words will land. It is this devastating feeling that people see right through you. My solution was to regularly perform in a manner people would approve, to feel like I was somebody.
It’s jarring and fragile to look back at the times you would do anything to feel of value to someone or something else. I had to learn that boundaries actually make me free. Boundaries are a way to ask and understand what I need, and how to belong to myself.
Having boundaries takes trust and strength. It took me time to make peace with the fact that not everyone would get on board, including myself. It can be easy to see your new standards as limitations, but if you allow yourself to keep going, these standards become your values and form the way you treat yourself and permit others to treat you. It can still be painful for me to look back on the relationships I’ve had, intimate and platonic, and see how desperately my inner child wanted to be seen. She needed to latch onto other people to feel like she had power. Waiting for someone to say, “you can stay.” As I type this, it sounds a tad dramatic. A part of me thinks, okay was it really that serious? Yes. Yes it was. It has taken sometime, but I no longer discredit my feelings. We can’t change something we continue to deny. If what I am saying wasn’t serious, I wouldn’t still be experiencing other layers of this wound at the age of 34. I also wouldn't be able to know that I have the power to change it.
My neglected wound rummages around waiting to hear the words, “you belong here.” My pain begins to ask where can I stay? Where do I fit in? What is mine, and what isn’t? How long will it last? Who might take it? Will I be able to sustain it? I think right now, boundaries remind me of my courage and commitment to myself. It is a way to revisit and decide what I will and will not condone. How I will and will not treat myself. The things I will and will not do to get attention out of fear. Boundaries ask me to pause, and not spiral into what I believe I have to give up in order to get what I need. They declare that what I need, is already inside.
Boundaries from a place of care keep me connected to myself, and ultimately lets me go deeper with the people and opportunities in my life. Putting myself first is how I belong to me. I don’t need to sacrifice my well being to be seen, and neither do you.
Journal prompts:
What do boundaries mean to you now? What did they used to mean to you?
How do you check in with your needs? Do you prioritize them? If yes, how so?
When was the last time you were willing to sacrifice yourself in order to get a specific outcome? What was the result?
Leave your reflections after the beep.
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In the meantime, check in with your needs.