Entry Fourteen
I am back after a one week hiatus! Today’s entry is a glimpse into how I have belonged to my career. It has been a challenging ride, and I am still learning how to make it less arduous. I have pushed and forced myself to belong to a job title, and I’d like to change that. I hope this entry helps you untangle how you relate to work.
March 5th, 2022:
I am learning to believe in the force and magnitude of my ideas and visions. It’s astounding that people can create something that started as an idea. It is daring to go after what you want, and trust that confidence will be built along the way. I think it is something that we all hold inside of us, but for me, I used that power for others. Now, I don’t believe that using our talents for others, whether that is a person or a company is bad, but I eventually reached a point where it felt off. The disconnect came when I began to realize that I didn’t believe my ideas and creativity were valid without a company to work for. The company that gave me a chance, decided my value.
I am currently learning how to bet on myself, without having a boss that I pedestal. Without having a company to hide behind. I admit that I have a pattern of waiting for something else to evoke my will to achieve. My continuous lesson and reminder is that my ideas are significant. My voice is mighty, even if I don’t think that anyone wants to hear it.
For me, career has been where I’ve experienced hefty lessons, and money was the pain point. A job would provide me choices, and money would come with it. Growing up, money was the heartache, and it was also the anticipated blessing. It wrecked our family, and it was also the only thing that could save it. Can you relate? I always envisioned myself having an abundance of money, but also noticed where I feared its presence. But if I have been nervous about what money might do, then how could I not be reluctant towards my gifts, that would lead me to receiving it? This dilemma has resulted in belonging to a job title. Have you had that same feeling of relief, when you get that interview? When you think, could this company choose me? It can feel like you are finally secure and have control of your life. Is there truth to this? Sure. It is also not wrong to feel delighted at a new career venture.
But my greatest lesson has been to stand strong in who I am with or without a clear job title. To be passionate in a role, but still have belonging without it. In my past I have felt afraid to declare my wholeness until I could attach it to where I was working. It wasn’t enough until I could say my name is Salwa and I do this thing, at this company. Completing that sentence felt and still does feel like I belong somewhere. It signifies I am doing something with my life rather than focusing on how I want to live it. I need to continue relating to my life differently. I want to belong to my ideas, rather than believing they are nothing without something or someone “better.” I know how to work hard. I know how to please bosses and teammates. I know how to grind. I know how to make things happen in the workplace. I have felt the rush of validation that comes from overworking and heroically saving the day to ensure that another person’s vision is as grand as possible.
But what if we don’t need to teach ourselves those things anymore? That doesn’t mean racing to another extreme of doing nothing or quitting your job this instant. To me it means, can I let go of feeling empty if I do not have a job title that is approved by someone else? Can I still belong to me without needing a company's recognition? I want to tend to my ideas. I am used to having them lie dormant until a company authorizes them. I want to practice making myself happy and believing in the team that is me. Nothing to hide behind. No one to report to. Nothing to force my dreams through, and no one to tell me if I can.
I bet on myself. That is why Fundamental Hunger continues. I hope you can bet on yourself, too.
Journal prompts:
Have you ever waited for a job title to give your life meaning? To make you feel whole?
How do you relate to your career? How do you want to relate to it?
When have you bet on yourself? How do you want to bet on yourself now?
If you were guaranteed your definition of financial abundance right now, and money would support your joy, what would you allow yourself to do and feel?
As always, feel free to leave a message with your reflections and questions at my hotline below.
Better Call Salwa: 347-903-7057
In the meantime, say yes to you.