Entry Thirteen
Today’s entry is all about LOVE! I have discussed how I’ve moved through my emotional avoidance, and today is a reflection of how much softer my heart has become, and the level of trust I have rebuilt. Regardless of your relationship status, or what you desire for you, I hope this entry encourages you to reflect on how you love, how far you’ve come, and what still needs your care.
April 23rd, 2022:
We looked at engagement rings today for the second time. For years I told myself I would NEVER get married. Why? Because marriage was heartbreak. I saw it rip my family apart. During my early adult years, I went from desperately wanting the title of wife, to seeing it as the one thing I knew would hurt me. Setting aside time to adorn myself with rings that Tommy may propose with, was a moment I allowed this version of myself to cherish. The one who feels safe prioritizing love, undisguised. The woman who is no longer cloaked in shame. Today was a testament to how far I have come. I think it’s sad when we don’t take time to celebrate these moments. It’s easy to shine a flashlight on where we are stuck, but what about where we have soared?
Today was not impressive simply because I want to get married. It was a sincere occasion that confirmed long term commitment no longer activates every part of my being. Last week I shared an entry about how my fear of commitment still creeps up, but I have also made tremendous progress. Please remember that old patterns can still visit you, even while you are on an empowered route. But you still get to choose.
When I was younger, all I focused on were the labels of relationships, but I didn’t know what they truly meant. I just believed they would give me something I was missing. I didn’t ask myself what does it mean to me? How do I want to feel? In my current partnership, I get to decide what marriage is for me. Tommy and I get to choose how we want to express what partnership looks, feels, and means to us.
Commitment with love always felt like a trap. It felt like I was being ambushed. Nowhere to go, and nowhere to hide. Jokes aside, it felt like I was losing autonomy and therefore my power. Sometimes I like to think that this version of myself is chuckling now that the grief is gone. My current relationship does not take away from my livelihood. It does not suppress my adventurous spirit, or shrink my authenticity. It widens all opportunities. Saying “yes” to Tommy is also saying yes to myself. There is no point in pretending that this isn’t what I want out of fear. I also know that officially getting married does not add value to our love. It is a new meaningful chapter, but even if we were not planning a wedding right now, our love is true.
So what does that mean for me? The love I have for myself is also honest and loyal. I don’t need a ring to validate how I feel about who I am. It feels good to not be chasing after something because I know I’ve had it all along. There is nothing to prove. One of the most tender parts of this process has also been that I was hesitant to get married to Tommy for awhile. It’s not because I did not see him in my future, I was just working through my remaining internal dilemma. We had and still have deep conversations around marriage, but he has never rushed me to be anywhere other than where I am. Isn’t that beautiful? To not feel pressure, but to also not avoid what is in front of us. That is the same level of grace I aim to give to myself more frequently. Right now, I trust myself to fall deeper in love because I know that all of me will be present.
When I would think about marriage it used to symbolize that I was chosen. Isn’t that what we have always been sold? A woman being asked for her hand in marriage meant that she finally belonged to someone. Someone chose her to spend the rest of their life with, and now she has purpose. It feels like holding your breath until someone says “I pick you!” If there is one thing I would tell my younger self when she was aching for love and eager to be chosen, I would say live your life. Stop holding your breath and realize that you are on this planet for other spectacular things. Waiting to be chosen, is essentially putting your life on hold in hopes that someone will save you from a life you are not giving a real chance. We do not have to outsource romance. We can pour into ourselves. We can wear the flirty outfit because it’s Tuesday, not just a first date. We can visit that country we're thrilled about because doing it without a significant other, doesn’t make it any less wondrous. Your life is worth experiencing now. It doesn’t mean you have to convince yourself that you don’t want a partner. It just means you do not have to pause your joy until it happens.
I love being in love, but I was relieved when I finally discovered that my life has meaning no matter what. At the end of the day, I always get to be with me. What a blessing.
Don’t forget you can always leave a message with your reflections and questions at my hotline below.
Better Call Salwa: 347-903-7057
In the meantime, how can you let the newest version of you take center stage?