Entry Twelve
Today’s entry focuses on the discomfort of saying yes to myself. Although, the girl in the photo above looks delighted and might be saying “come into my office.” Currently however, I am grieving a part of me that truly has found pleasure and nourishment from thinking and acting small. I created Fundamental Hunger because I wanted to finally bet on myself. I am not fearful when it comes to connecting the dots from my past, navigating trauma, and discovering ah-ha moments. But actually building my prosperous future from my own idea, feels like I’m learning how to walk for the first time. But do you know that moment when you are no longer living in ignorance? When you realize you know too much, so you can’t turn back to your old ways? That’s how I feel. No more bluffing. No more disguises. I know too much to deny it now.
I hope as you question and expand into your own version of belonging, you are feeling safer to remove the veil. If you have been getting these emails from the beginning, this is the twelfth week that I have reached your inbox! Do you look back on these twelve weeks and wish you had prioritized the idea that won’t leave you alone? That you would have said yes to yourself a little bit more? Life goes on whether we like it or not. Luckily, today is another day to try again.
April 14th, 2022:
I have always been comfortable with leaving things, places, and at times people. I think I have believed for a long time that nothing lasts forever. I see how that has been reflected in places I have lived, jobs I have left, and the small luxuries I have purchased or denied myself. Today I am noticing the time it takes me to commit to certain things. Although I have made huge strides, I realize that I still believe that it is easier to not get attached. It is best to not invest fully, so that in the end, I can fall back into the hands of “maybe next time.” Use my energy to fantasize about a future day that might magically hold what I am looking for. Today, I hear a familiar doubt that claims refusing an experience will keep me out of harm's way. That belonging to a place permanently will leave me crushed. I know that things are not meant to last forever. I know that things may not remain in their original form, but I can’t use this as an excuse to belong in my trauma.
I have made a home inside of temporary. I do believe there is power in this, because I have learned how to navigate brief circumstances and I trust my ability to pivot. However, the temporary I am feeling right now, is the one that says my prosperity will always be cut short. I know all too well how to grasp onto things out of necessity, rather than belonging to the bigger brighter picture. I feel frightened by the vision that could affirm that I am more powerful than I have ever confessed. I began 90 Days of Belonging believing that my voice wasn’t valid. But if I am slowly detaching from that tall tale, what do I want to belong to instead? I think this is a question we tend to glance over. We want to get rid of something, but don’t realize that the energy that latched onto one thing latches onto something else that is keeping us running in the same circle.
I want to belong to the belief that my ideas and creativity will last a lifetime. That they will change, but also become stronger. I want to pass my threshold for discomfort, but not from a place of survival. I want to move through the discomfort that will lead me to someone who believes they indeed can have it all. How does that sentence make you feel? Are you more comfortable with the pain that comes with fighting for the bare minimum? Or do you want to move through the temporary uneasiness that will lead you to the tremendous life you want? You have to be brave to declare you want more. Whatever “more” is to you. You have to be loud, from your core, to be able to recognize and redeem your miracle.
If you believed that abundance was here to stay, what would you choose to protect, if anything at all? I can no longer just say I don’t want one thing, without intentionally choosing what will fill its place. Whether it is an item, an experience, or a new version of myself, I want to be present for the transition. Life has ended and restarted countless times. We are all still here. Right now, I think my life is restarting, so where would I like to be standing? There is no wrong answer, but today I dare myself to be precise. To not pretend that I don’t know what it means to stand in my power. So, if my life is restarting, where do I want to go?
I want to interview Gabrielle Union for Fundamental Hunger.
I want to create a magazine (an idea I have fully fleshed out) with Janelle Monáe on one of the covers.
I want to have sisterhood gatherings every quarter. BIG ones.
I want to have multiple children running around our brownstone in Brooklyn.
The rush I feel as I type out these honest wishes is breathtaking. That is where I want us all to belong! To be taken aback by how big we want to be. To be riveted by our own ideas, and then move in that direction.
Journal prompts:
Write down 3-5 current wishes for your life. How do they each feel?
Are your current actions congruent with your wishes?
What area of your life do you typically cut yourself short? Why? If you knew it would be okay, what new step would you take today?
Don’t forget you can always leave a message with your reflections and questions at my hotline below.
Better Call Salwa: 347-903-7057
In the meantime, stop pretending that you don’t know what you want.