Entry Seventeen
Today I talk again about how I belong to money from an emotional viewpoint. The beauty about this entry is that you can ask yourself if you are emotionally available to anything that you feel detached from. One of the threads that connect to my relationship with money is my father, and the above image brings up emotions I can not name. Images help me go deeper, so if you can, I suggest observing old photos to help you emotionally connect the pieces that seem impossible to put together.
What also helps me through this process is talking to the things or emotions that I have over-intellectualized. Personifying these things is a method that allows me to access my vulnerability and take my guard down. 90 Days of Belonging has stripped me down to who I truly am, and I feel more beautiful on the other side.
May 5th, 2022:
A beautiful thought came to me yesterday. Am I emotionally available to money? I have done such wonders in reaching a secure attachment style, feeling safe with my emotions, sharing my needs, and allowing myself to fall in love. This is why this question tugs on my heart strings. The answer is no, I am not, but I am ready and willing. It feels as though I just found the key to life! Things are rapidly clicking. Due to my upbringing, I didn’t feel safe with money, but I never questioned my emotional capacity to receive its support, security, and love. I don’t have all of the answers for the next step or what this journey will look like, but since I have opened myself up to intimacy through relationships, I know that it will be similar. I also see that I am fully capable of making this shift. This question softens me in places I didn’t know I was still holding my breath. It’s like I am loosening the panic, the fear of abandonment, and the repressed emotions that I have projected onto money and my career.
This has also landed in the most potent time because I am birthing a new idea, and when I began 90 Days of Belonging it was me becoming emotionally available to the creativity I need to release. So, for the past almost three months I have been taking the steps before I realized the impact it was making and what I was doing it for. This is more evidence around why we need to follow what our heart is saying without needing to rationalize or see the full picture to press go.
To me, emotional availability is allowing myself to be seen. It means not hiding from my needs and emotions and feeling safe to express them with myself and those around me. It means I am capable and willing to let others be themselves and be present for their experience without removing their autonomy. It means I do not flee when things get hard, or shut down when I am activated. It means I am willing to share my shame because it doesn’t make me less valuable. It means I am available for growth and open to looking into the places I didn’t know needed love. It means that I am open to sincere connection. That I do not need to put on a facade to get the thing that I want.
So where am I not emotionally available to money? I do not trust that it wants to support me, so I keep myself at a distance, or ask for the bare minimum because that is what I think I deserve. It means I pretend that I can be without it in order to feel in control, rather than emitting desperation and feeling pitiful. Being emotionally avoidant to money has looked like me giving away my power in order to be recognized. This is why I have grown weary at almost every job that I have had. I overwhelm myself, and perform for the person or company (the perceived key to my financial well-being) until I need to flee.
I love moments like these. When your heart makes a crystal clear connection in order to receive something new. Now that I see what I’ve been missing, I feel incredibly hopeful that change is possible. I feel empowered to create a solution rather than thinking I have no say in the matter. Today I declare that I am emotionally available to money, which directly impacts my ability to receive the home I have been seeking, and the financial abundance that will support my authentic needs with the intention of long term steady commitment. I do not need to have an opportunity that is hot and heavy, but doesn't last. I do not need to pretend. I do not need to lie about my needs. I do not need to earn my value. I am emotionally available to receive security from money as who I am today.
I want to hear from you! Leave your reflections of belonging after the beep.
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In the meantime, how can you be more available for connection?
Journal Prompts:
What does emotional availability mean to you?
How do you remain protected by staying detached from what you desire? What do you have to gain by being open to it?
Are you emotionally available to the life you want?