Entry Eighteen
I hope you are settling into the comfort and splendor of December. Today’s entry circle’s back to my original stinging narrative that began the ritual of 90 Days of Belonging. As the 90 days came to a close, I noticed how differently I felt, and the gumption it took to get there. It wasn’t a magic potion, or an answer that came from someone who “knows better.” My current delight came from consistently going inwards, and actively living throughout the process.
There is so much to feel if we allow ourselves to do so. There is plenty to learn if we allocate the time and space. We can blossom if we choose. Thanks for continuing to open your inbox every Thursday. Enjoy!
May 13th, 2022:
Today I am checking in on the original intrusive thoughts that lead me to 90 days of belonging. “B*tch, what do you know about being Black?” I haven’t heard her yell at me in awhile, now that I think about it. As I work on Fundamental Hunger and consistently show up for my truth, this belief is faint, or not around. It doesn’t suffocate me like it did almost three months ago. Now, it even makes me chuckle a bit. Although I did not have the Black community experience growing up, it does not make me less important. It does not mean I have to bury myself and stay quiet. I think the main reason this fear has dissipated is because I’m facing it. The things we hide from and don’t choose to explore ourselves, means we are constantly on guard for where we might be confronted with them in the world. We leap into other people’s minds, and place our doubts. But as I explore what has been internal distrust, this story isn't as hostile as I initially assumed.
Moving through blame let me revisit past experiences that I needed to tend to. For instance, I am sitting with the fact that my first Black teacher was not until my last year of college. My first Black co-worker wasn’t until I was 32, and she was freelance. I think most people’s reactions are a variation of “wow, you deserve to have more representation!” But please remember that every white person I went to school with, or worked with, was impacted by the same statistics that I am sharing. Sadly, I have rarely noticed any conscious awareness or curiosity about how this impacted/impacts their life, too. Fortunately now, I know that I can remove the burden from my inner child to think that it is her responsibility to inform others. That it was her responsibility to conform. That it was her responsibility to take on the emotional labor of these experiences and still put on a smile.
As I continue to step into my power today, I remind myself of this, too. I continue to learn how to unapologetically be Salwa, without needing to convince white society that I’m worth listening to. That I can also center myself in ways I could not when I was young.
I think this harsh voice is now mustering the courage to say “finally. I thought you’d never reach me.”
I belong, and you do, too.
As always, I want to hear from you! Leave your reflections of belonging after the beep.
Better Call Salwa: 347-903-7057
Journal Prompts:
If you look back to earlier this year, what negative story was persistent? How do you relate to it now?
How did you belong to the community you had growing up? How has that impacted your life today?
Today, if confidence dropped straight from the sky and into your heart, what would you do with it? How would you share your truth?
In the meantime, what can you stop blaming yourself for?